I’ve come across cigarette butts more inspiring than Starmer


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No charisma, no influence

Paper-weights, toothbrush holders, matt emulsion paint – all things that I find blisteringly boring. But I presume even the paper-weight would be able to make a brisk getaway at the threat of being bunched into the same, stale bracket at Keir Starmer.

He’s a man who maintains a hectic CV, with the Labour leadership hopeful relishing his history as a human rights lawyer. And like all self-proclaimed socialists, he‘s proud to have lumped himself in at picket lines alongside professional strikers and protestors. But this man now wants some real limelight.

For sure, politics should be more about policy than personality. But to be PM, you have to possess at least an amount of charisma that could inspire this country to crack on through a crisis, or push forward a precious message on the world stage.

Don’t get me wrong, Mr Starmer is spoken of as a pleasant person. I‘m sure he is. The kind of guy who’d happily oblige in a request to halt his eating of a tuna sandwich on the Tube. 

But petty pleasantries wouldn’t win over world leaders to his view on a vital foreign policy issue. At a summit, he’d be forgotten faster than I forget the date of my girlfriend’s birthday (and believe me, that is fast).

I test you to drown yourself in caffeine and try to sit through one of his tedious campaign videos. At first, you’ll think that you are listening to a lifeless version of Alan Partridge. But if you can stay awake long enough to listen further, you’d quickly latch on to the fact that it’s not just Keir’s charisma that is colourless on a colossal scale.

Even worse, you are hit heavily by the same, old, repetitive rhetoric that we’ve heard from Labour for years. Nothing new with no passionate policies. Just the sterile slogan of ‘Another Future Is Possible, But We Have To Fight For It’.

If Keir Starmer became Labour leader, the only thing that people would be fighting is the lofty probability of falling asleep. So as a Conservative, by all means, make him leader. I, for one, wouldn’t lose any kip over it.

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